Day 1 (T minus 26 Hours)

I'm not exactly sure just who foot the bill for this retreat, but I need to express my gratitude as it has proven to be a wonderful pre-ordination gift. In total, its been a magnificent time of refreshment and reflection. I could describe it in multiple ways. It has been the momentary quiet between movements of a great concerto. It's been like the Selah between stanzas of the Psalms, or even the white space at the end of a chapter.

It's a bit after 11:00 AM on a crisp Pennsylvania morning and in about 20 minutes or so, my fellow Ordinands and I will be celebrating Eucharist. Lunch will follow and then, there's the trip down the road back home. For now, its time to consider once more this morning's Gospel:

LK 12:35 "Be dressed ready for service and keep your lamps burning, [36] like men waiting for their master to return from a wedding banquet, so that when he comes and knocks they can immediately open the door for him. [37] It will be good for those servants whose master finds them watching when he comes. I tell you the truth, he will dress himself to serve, will have them recline at the table and will come and wait on them. [38] It will be good for those servants whose master finds them ready, even if he comes in the second or third watch of the night.

Enjoy your mornings.

Day 2 (T minus 46 hours)

Its a crisp November afternoon here in Fairfield Pennsylvania and in a sense, it feels like a bit of a homecoming as this was my stomping ground for seven years. In a sense, time seems to have been held in abeyance here. One hundred miles away from the ever present noise of Suburbia Majora, the silence is palpable and only occasionally punctuated by a passing automobile on the road outside. This is a far cry from the road traveled this morning. The hardwood foliage seems to have peaked here and is dimmed by a November overcast.

It was here under these skies where I came fully into manhood. We arrived in Hagerstown/Ft. Ritchie just prior to my 25th birthday and it was here that I made my stand for the Almighty and answered the call to the ministry. Its a bit unnerving to realize that that was 22 years ago!

Today I've returned along with four other Ordinands, two ladies and two gentlemen. The gentlemen, seminarians from Trinity in Pittsburgh are being ordained into the transitional deaconate, prior to the priesthood. The ladies, as in my case, will be ordained as vocational (permanent) Deacons. Fine folk one and all, and I look forward to serving shoulder to shoulder with them in the Kingdom.

It didn't take long to discern the fact that I wasn't alone in my "sanctified anxiety" in considering the just what will be transmitted through the laying on of hands here in the next several hours. I shudder to think that once upon a day, I considered ordination to be a major accomplishment. No, the collar conferred on that day will be a slave's collar. The oath I make before The Almighty is as serious (even more so) than those made during my subsequent enlistments in the armed forces. Yet I can do no other thing. I was born for this and scripture would infer that my ordination along with those of my fellow Ordinands, was foreordained in eternity past.

Its quiet here and I know that my fellows too are alone in their quiet time. I pray that they too are being nourished by the Spirit in this time of introspection and reflection.

Day 8

The weekend begins in seven minutes. Though the individual days seemed to drag on, the week essentially flew by. And now, I prepare to turn this boat towards the harbor and will soon be seeing things from the other side of the bay, metaphorically speaking. In all, these have been interesting days and our Lord, through His Word and Spirit, has been suddenly cultivating new sensitivities, in particular, a sensitivity to those things the Almighty doesn't tolerate.

We worship and serve a God who's patience and forbearance are things of renown. I'm living proof of this as my own sin and foolishness should have caused the Almighty to stomp me like a bug. Tough He does seem to demonstrate a great degree of patience towards human "blockheadedness", there are other things that He absolutely hates:

"There are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him: haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a man who stirs up dissension among brothers." Proverbs 6:16-19 (NIV)

These facts slam headlong into some conventional wisdom (i.e. pop-ignorance) concerning the nature and character of the almighty. There are behaviors and actions that cross the line of human weakness or foolishness, and raise the hackles and ire of the Almighty.

Knowledge of this elicit immediate responses. First comes self-introspection; am I engaged in any of these sins? And, how can I as a page for the Almighty communicate these facts to a post-christian society that has largely lost its course and bearings?

The answers don't need to be over-thought. If I'm engaged in any of these behaviors, I need to stop, drop and roll. Stop the behavior, drop to my knees & repent, then roll myself into the folds of Christ's garments. Second, as the page, my job is not to spin the message. My task is simply to deliver the message in its unmuddled clarity. The Lord help me in this.

A reminder of what I've left behind

Enough said

Thoughts on Day 12

It's Monday October 26, 2009 and I'm home this morning, enjoying a bit of quiet reflection before heading out the door for an eye appointment. Funny, we're told not to stare into bright lights as kids due to the potential for eye damage. So, what does the Optometrist have you do in his office?

Two weeks from now, the Lord willing, I'll be a Deacon in God's one holy catholic and apostolic Church. The bulletins are printed, the presenters are identified and the invitations have all ben posted in the mail. There will be those, no doubt, who'll be surprised to see that invitation in their mailbox in the next day or so.

A Watershed Moment

The ink on the previous post was barely dry as I checked my e-mail. Scanning down the subject lines and deleting the requisite "Pharmaceutical" e-mails, a two-worded subject line leaped off the screen, "CANA Ordination". I read on.

Dear Andrew,

Bishop Minns has approved you for ordination on November 7, 2009 at Truro Church in Fairfax, Virginia. We praise God for what He has done in your life, for your commitment to Christ and for the ministry ahead of you in CANA. Our prayers are with you as you prepare to take your ordination vows.

...

“May the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen.” Hebrews 13:20

In Christ,

Jack

(The text has been slightly edited, removing some administrative information, and e-mail addresses in the spirit of privacy.)

Reading the text filled me with a sense of elation and and trepidation. Elation in the sense of an effervescent joy that welled up at the sense that the prayers, studies, examinations, and the waiting of the past four years were all now coming to their fruition. There was now a date marked on the calendar, the feast of Saint Willibord of Utrecht (or November 7th in more common parlance), where my soul would receive the blessing handed down by Christ Himself to His own Apostles by means of the laying on of hands by either Bishop Minns or Bishop Bena.

On the heels of joy came a sudden fear. This wasn't a phobic moment but rather, a sudden dread that seems to strike those suddenly in the presence of the Almighty. I believe that at its core, is a sense that one is about to enter into the most holy moment of their life to date.
When Isaiah entered this moment, he could only say "woe is me for I'm ruined." Saint Peter was recorded as proclaiming "Go from me Lord, for I'm a sinful man." Even the God-fearing Centurion sensed his utter unworthiness to stand in the presence of the Divine.

There is a comfort and confidence to quash this dread. Christ's atoning death, resurrection and ascension, and the Father's election has allowed those in Christ to stand in His presence. It's not us, no in and of our selves we're still waterlogged turds worthy of the eternal flush. Yet in Christ and through Christ, we can enter into the presence of the Mighty One in the faith of knowing that we won't be smoking ash.

A Song For the Journey...

Ya know, in 30 years of the journey, there have been so many super scantimonious ballads to one's own ego, or songs that carry little to no "spiritual BTU's". I have to say that this ballad really strikes the nail squarely. This contemporary Psalm/Spiritual song is a breath of fresh air.

Upon meditating on the words and music, I can only pray:

LORD, you are mighty in all things. Heaven, earth and the Universe stands silent in the presence of your throne. I want to be at the event horizon of your will. I pray to be at that point where your hammer strikes the anvil. I want to be at the epicenter of it all. The Almighty help me if I'm anything less...

The Trip North, Pas Deux

Out of the gate, thank you for all your prayers. Meeting CANA's Vocations Committee was one of the most pleasant experiences that I've encountered in quite some time. Father Jack Grubbs and his committee, along with Bishop David Bena had many thoughtful questions throughout the nearly 90 minute interview.

The afternoon meeting at Church of the Messiah was a different story. I was in the Parish Library, sitting around the table with men who's love for God and His people was palpable. Too, the members of this committee were men who made considerable sacrifice in the name of truth and the Gospel.

The encounter had a completely different feel to the interview I had at the Maryland-Delaware-D.C. Church of God offices at Simpsonville, MD back in 1991. That day entailed a lengthy ordeal that included gatekeepers, "good cop/bad cop" tag-team interviewers and a sense that if you weren't a legacy, you were facing an uphill day.

The Trip North

Its 11:00 AM and in about two hours and change, I'll be heading north to Herndon Virginia and a meeting with the CANA Vocations Committee. This appointment has been in the making since 2005 and I must confess that I'm experiencing low-level butterflies.

What does a Calling feel like?

Hollywood, Cecil B. DeMille and the crew from Monty Python have made some broad efforts to try and approximate a Divine calling, between burning bushes and holy grails and the like. The truth is, with all the metaphorical language that can be brought to bear, there's real difficulty in providing a description that'll carry water. Still, being a guy of considerable cranial density, allow me to give it a go.

A Calling is both simultaneously Ethereal and Visceral. By this, I mean to say that though its as hard to catch as a nightbird, it presents itself in a way that will not be ignored. Man is called to the Divine service in eternity past and that calling exists before his DNA is formed. In other words, just as it is with the Lord's election, the Lord's calling stretches back eternally. Yet in spite of all the heavenly mist, I was aware of a calling when I was six years old. Now understand that as a young crumb cruncher, quantifying this call at a tender age was impossible for all practical purposes.

Age, maturity, awareness of the Divine along with life's experiences all worked in harmony to reveal the dimension and scope of this Holy calling. What at six years was little more than pictures in the sky became like an architect's sketches. These too in time were fleshed out to a point where the calling would begin solidification. This process has shown be that:

A calling is Dynamic and Unfolding. Abram didn't have the Lord's opus dropped on his desk in one delivery. God's call to Abe, though settled, unfolded with each step made by the patriarch. With each drop of sweat, each bend in the road, the call unfolded before his eyes.

I had no sense whatsoever in the late 1980's that my calling would take me to the Anglican expression of the Faith, or place me in a Dalmatic. Its quite likely that I would have repudiated the idea as nonsense. Yet, here I stand. Each footprint across time and territory, across North America, Europe, Asia and Australia, has purposefully led he to this moment.

A calling is Inescapable. Moses bugged out of the whole Egyptian scene and hit the road to Median. Jonah, after saying "nuts to this", hopped a west-bound boat to Spain. Saint Paul said "Woe is me if I do not preach the Gospel." Moses would live another lifetime before the Almighty caught up with him, and still a third living out that Holy calling. Jonah was brought back to shore special delivery, in the belly of a beast of a fish. Saint Paul finished the race in the bowels of the Mammertine Prison. The Lord's call on each of these lives was irrevocable.

Maybe, this has given a sense of just what it feels like to be Called by the Almighty.

A Seperate Blog with a Distinct Scope

It was twenty years ago today... No wait, that was Sergeant Pepper. Let's try again...

Three years ago, on the heels of the Episcopal Church's General Convention, I stepped out and started my first Blog, "The Catbird Seat". Spotty at first, it evolved into a more or less eclectic potpourri of thoughts, musings and the like. It fits just fine and I intend to keep it rolling along at present speed and course.

Lately, I've been thinking about my life's spiritual journey and gave some consideration to giving that journey its own venue. Hence, "Crossing the Bay" was born. My hope is that Crossing will provide a clearer picture of the man the Master is re-creating in as an icon of His Son, Christ Jesus. Personally, I've found the whole thing rather interesting, and it still leaves me in a sense of wonder as to why He chose me, and what He has seen in me? Like most of you reading this, serious self-examination leaves me feeling creepy and makes me want to shower afterwords. Yet for all the schmutz, our LORD called me from eternity past and continues to tweak, poke and stretch me for eternity future. All the while, there is this present moment where in Him, we live, and move, and have our being.

Rather than being a self-indulgent exercise in vanity, my hopes are that this blog would be a source of inspiration. Not because of me, but rather what our LORD can do with a schlub like me.